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A guy goes into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He orders a drink and the monkey jumps off his shoulder and runs
down the bar, grabs a handful of fruit and pops it in his mouth and swallows it whole. Then he runs to the end of the bar
and pops acouple of cigarette butts in his mouth and swallows them.
Then he hops on the pool table and grabs the cue ball in the middle of a game and swallows it.
The bartender has enough
and asks the guy. " What's up with the monkey
swallowing everything?"
The guy says, " I don't pay much attention to
him anymore. Don't worry, I will pay for everything. He finishes his drink, pays the bartender for all the
damage
and gives him a $100 tip.
Several weeks later he returns to the bar with the monkey, sits and orders a drink.
The monkey
jumps down and runs down the bar. The bartender shouts, "Man, what is up with that monkey?"
The guy asks what the monkey
did. The bartender says the monkey ran down the bar,
picked up a cherry, shoved it up his butt, pulled it out and swallowed
it.
The guy says," That doesn't surprise me, since he passed that cue ball,he
measures everything."
Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar, smoking hashish and chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk.
The first Arab pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."
"Praise Allah! You must be so very proud," says the other.
"Yes,
and this is my second son. He's a martyr also."
"A fine looking young man... praise be to Mohammed!" replies his
friend.
After a pause
and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Drinker's Alphabet
A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college B is for
Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for
chugging
C is for Class :What you're supposed to get up
and go to after a Thursday night party D is for Dancing :A
favorite pastime
of almost every drunk, usually looks
pathetic E is for Emergency :The keg is empty or there is
no one over 21 in your
drinking party F is for Fucked-Up
:Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out G is
for Games :Anything
that involves cards, dice and chugging
beers H is for Hang-over :Reminds you of how great last
night was and how much
you drank I is for Idiot :The guy
that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party J
is for Jail :Where you'll
end up after trying to use a
fake ID or stagger home K is for Kissing :What you'll do
to anything that moves after 15
beers L is for Lord
:Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving
alcohol M is for Money :That which
you no longer have due
to too much partying N is for Not Again! :What you scream
when you wake up beside someone you
don't know P is for Pee
:What you have to do every five minutes while you're
drinking beer Q is for Quilt :What you
puked on last night
in bed and have to clean in the morning R is for Reform
:What you promise god you will do while
you're puking in the
toilet S is for Sex :What you did with that person you met
last night while you were drunk T is
for Ten :The number
of beers it takes ME to get drunk U is for Underage :Most
of the drinking population in college
town V is for Vodka
:The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in
an hour W is for Worm :The part of
Tequila that reminds
you of Biology class tomorrow X is for X-Ray :How they can
see into your stomach before they pump
it Y is for Yourself
:The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end Z is for
Zoned :How you will be for the next 12
hours following
drinking
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic
surgery
to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey,
you don't need surgery to do that.
I know how to do itwithout surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them
bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing
time, he sees a guy stumble out of the
bar, trip on the curb,
and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another
five minutes
to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else
leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him,
pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test
shows
he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight
I'm the designated decoy.'
At the Britian beer festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer
The guy
from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the
world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender
dusts off a
bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from
Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The
bartender gives him
one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer
made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He
gets
it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give
me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives
him
what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look
over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and
the Guinness president
replies, "Well, I figured if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The
first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play
with mouse traps for fun.
I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar
and bench press it
twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams
another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing.
I take those
Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And
with that he slams another shot.
The
third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away.
The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse
and
ask, "Where the heck are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat.
Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons
and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close
his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing
this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The
crowd murmured in unanimous approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The
gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks were delivered. The
Cajun stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After
a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... "I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle.
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers
here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign?
It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is
my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling
his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down,
and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign
because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing
eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog
bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you
said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."
A guy walks into a bar and there is
a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at?
Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few
minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender
says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender
says, "Why the big pause?"
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "A Canadian Club," replies
the seal.
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know,
we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one
for the road."
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"
The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't
you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders
a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after
the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers,
"Now the problems start!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the
pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piana player
and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."
Prepositions
A guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air women approach. "So, where y'all from?" he asks.
"We are from," one of them answers, "somewhere where people don't end their sentences with prepositions." "Oh," says the bartender.
"So, where y'all from, bitch?"
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so
as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for
another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near
the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink".
The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can
lift her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage
he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds
by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally,
the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over
to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology
and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you
mean $200 for a blowjob?"
This guy walked into a bar with a monkey on a string. He sat at the bar, and announced that the monkey is for sale.
The
barman relied "I don't want any monkey!! They destroy everthing, and they are a nuisace!"
The guy replied "But this is
a special monkey. It gives a really good blowjob. Look, go in the back and try it out."
After 10 minutes, the barman returns
with a broad grin. "Man, that monkey is really good!! How much do you want for it?" $200 was exchanged.
That evening, the
barman returned home to his wife. "Hi, dear. I just bought this monkey. I want you to teach it to cook and wash, and then
I want you to get the hell out of this house!!!"
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot
glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey. She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there
too. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the
worm dies. She says"so what do you have to say about this experiment?" He says "IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON'T GET WORMS!"
Each time the man visits this bar he has a little white box with him. The lady bartender is finally overcome with interest,
and ask: "What's in the box?" To which he replies the most amazing frog ever. He loves to go down on women and he is really
great." She suggest she found out how good the frog is . In the back room she takes off all her clothes, and spreads
her legs apart as the man takes the frog out of the box and places him between her legs. After several minutes nothing is
happening. The man reaches down and picks the frog up, and shaking him says: "Now listen, I'm only going to show you one more
time!"
There was a guy and he was at a bar all night trying to get a lady. He tryed and tryed all night, he couldn't get one.
He went home and his brother told him to put a potato down his pants. On his way to the bar that night he put the potato down
his pants. He was at the bar all night. He couldn't get a lady. He went to home and told his brother that he still didn't
get a lady. His brother said that he should put the potato down the front of his pants next time,
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of
his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached,
the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made
with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed,
"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious"
and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch. He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This
isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"
The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about,
and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..
At one point an old guy, who was sitting
at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.
"This
is piss!" he yells.
The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked
the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He
then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then
asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented
it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it
is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in
the gas station three blocks down the street."
Two men at are bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one notices a
beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other replies,
"Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit." So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you
be so kind as to dance with me." Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on
matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" he asks. "She said
she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self- respecting pirate, this
guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how
the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg
in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you
loose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber
asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach
when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you
loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"
Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?" The other guy
says, "Not too good. Every time me and the misses have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating." The
first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under
the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all
excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago." The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that." The next
day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other guy says, "Don't
talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so
I fired the starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, "So what happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock,
shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"
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